Monday, May 26, 2008


So, I decided to finally start this blog. I have been thinking about it for some time now. Partially to just put down in writing what's going on in my head, partly because I have a thing for reading (good and) bad porn stories and am kinda sad that the nifty archives aren't what they used to be, and partly to see if anyone really gives a shit. I have to admit that I still want to know what people think and I need others to validate what I think in my head.

I think the idea of this was spurred on my by reading Erik Rhodes' blog, which I only found out about by reading Unzipped. I subscribe to a few porn rags and I barely glance at them most of the time. Just something to fill up my PO Box. Always kinda sad to go to an extra large box and open it up only to get credit card solicitations. I usually just toss all my mail in a bag and go through it once a month, shredding everything with my name on it and tossing the porn rags aside for later. And later never comes.

Until this extended weekend.

Never seen any of Erik's flicks, but man, that dude's big. I've always been fascinated by guys with really broad shoulders since I'm such a scrawny type even after several years of hitting the gym daily. And I was fascinated by this whole porn star blogging thing that they were writing about. If you got a chance, check it out. Some pretty candid insight into his life. So I'm vying for the same thing. A little bit of honesty in my life of lies.

So if you haven't figured it out, I'm gay, have a partner of 7 years, and am a cheater. Been doing it ever since my partner and I met up actually. I'm pretty sure I'm a sexual compulsive since it's something that's been going on ever since college. Had a boyfriend at that time too, but still liked going to the infamous tea rooms on campus to check things out. And it's escalated from there. At first, I only jerked off watching other guys in other stalls. By the time I left, I was getting sucked off underneath stalls (it was there where I was first able to cum while getting sucked. it was a huge wall before. felt good, just couldn't finish. until this one guy with some pretty harsh breath took a hold of it and brought me over the edge in ten seconds flat. i guess he really knew what he was doing. either that or I just get harder doing things I know I shouldn't). It went from getting sucked in public bathrooms, to fucking guys off of craigslist, to (until recently) fucking guys bareback off of craigslist.

I've been trying to stop the whole anonymous sex things. So I thought I'd cut down by first limiting myself to only people I know, my regulars from the past.

Last week, I emailed this guy I hooked up with on a pretty regular basis for half a year. He and I met off of craigslist. Bottom guy with a huge fat cock that was initially self-conscious of our age difference, even though I told him 8 years difference was not anywhere close to my record. Kinda a quiet accountant type externally, but pretty kinky in bed. Loved hid nips worked hard to the point where he's tapping out, but still won't say anything if you press for more. Things got kinda awkward when I invited him to work out with me at the gym. I guess he thought we were getting serious. Didn't think anyone really keep that fantasy of a trick/fuck bud becoming a boyfriend, but apparently I was mistaken. I told him I was already in a relationship and that I thought he knew. Truthfully, I never really did anything that would lead him to believe that I was attached. But I pushed the blame onto him anyway, saying that I thought he knew.

I emailed him last weekend to see if he wanted to get together again. He responded in about 5 minutes. I was kinda shocked that he was online and I was getting cold feet, thinking I should just quit cold turkey and fuck all this hooking up business (which many of the times really leaves me feeling like shit more than anything else). So there was a delay in my response. After about 10 minutes, I told him I was going to be right over. We crossed emails. Right after I sent mine, I got a terse message saying he's going to head off to a bar if he didn't hear back from me. Made me feel like shit. It's those moments where I remember that I'm fucking with other people's lives/feelings/whatever and not just my own. But then he quicky replied to my delayed acceptance with a chirpy apology and was eagerly awaiting my arrival.

It was a pretty intense session. I knew all his buttons and pushed them pretty hard. Man-handled him and worked his nips.

I had brought some magnums for him to try on (cause I really think he's way too big for the regular sized ones), and I think I got him thinking he was going to top me. I probably would have bottomed, but the fact that we wrestled for position meant that I had to win and it was a bit of a turn on to make him submit.

I tell a lot of people that I don't really like bottoming much anymore. But I think really what I don't like is people assuming things about me. Something hot about making a bigger/older top guy flip for me. I'm probably mistaking it for an ego trip. Or maybe it's just me rationalizing things. My partner's a top, so I'm always the one bottoming with him. It gives me an "out". A way to push back the blame not on my own sexual addiction, but to my partner's preferences, as if he drove me to cheat since he doesn't bottom. Really, that's a bunch of bullshit.

Anyway, that's all for now. Feel free to enable me by posting comments. ha! I mean, if I stopped, what would the point be with this blog?