Saturday, December 26, 2015

Downer

I finally got it. He told me he had a paper due for class tomorrow but he wasn't concerned. Beautiful cub in his mid twenties, hairy all over.

I'm driving him back to his apartment after a couple hours where we tried to fuck but couldn't make it work out. He's really tight. And also high on meth. He told me in embarrassment to explain why he couldn't get hard. And it made sense because he kept on making noises with his mouth which I'm pretty sure was dry mouth. His mind was sharp though. He only lost one conversation thread momentarily but you wouldn't be able to tell otherwise.

"God, I'm sorry for this cluster fuck of an experience. I really need to stop. I've been doing it a lot more than I should."

He went on. And I don't remember the exact words but what I kept was the bare raw emotion of regret and remorse.

And I finally connected the dots to why he wasn't so stressed out about school. He was a Berkeley student. Got kicked out. I have a feeling it is somehow related to his drug use. And then enrolled in a community college down here in Southern California. He's basically just running at half capacity. He can ace these courses in his sleep (no offense to the JC system - I'm really not being elitist here). And during the idle time, he turns to old habits.

And that's where I'm frustrated. A beautiful mind. Sharp and so full of promise and he's fucking up and only living to half of his potential. Wasn't frustrated about the bad sex. Even in comparison to our first encounter where he wasn't high and even he admitted he's never shot so hard bottoming before. It wasn't the sex but about him. A beautiful guy all around. And I know as sincere as he is during this confession of contrition, how raw and bare that emotion is before me, I know it's gonna be as if it never happened once his body levels out and that allure of the high gets him again. What frustrates me is that he's so beautiful all around and he feels that need for change but I have a feeling we're gonna be in the exact same place in a couple of days, running on a treadmill when he just needs to round the corner.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I work for a social service organization and have seen among our clients the destructive power of meth, as well as among a couple of acquaintances. There is always the possiblity that he'll kick it, but so few do. It's really a shame since he sounds like a real find otherwise. Smart, cute, shoots hard. What more could you want. Again, I think htis young fellow is lucky to have you in his life, however peripherally. I think your current posting of givnettes have really provided a lot of food for thought. Thank you!

Paul, NYC

Bruce Chang said...

And I wish I could say I have followed up with him but I haven't. Shortly after I got rid of some of my accounts. Just need to slow down for a bit. But guys like him make me wonder...

Explorer Jack said...

You're a good guy for caring. Is there anything one can do when it comes to substance abuse, especially something like meth (or heroine?) Or do you just end up getting hurt. Mom used to tell me; no good deed goes unpunished.

Bruce Chang said...

I don't think you can do anything until you're asked to (when they are sober)... I feel deep empathy, which makes me even sadder as I'm keeping him at a distance...

Not Alone said...

After reading the last several posts, I think I know why you are such a good lover. You care about people. whether it is a one time hook up or someone close by that you see often, you care about the person.

Bruce Chang said...

Is it caring? Or is it just deep empathy? I think if anyone would ask, I have a deep curiosity about people. I'm frustrated by the limited scope of my own perspective and therefore compelled to try to understand the perspective of others. And there's this heavy reward when I think I've struck anywhere close to the truth. But at the same time, I'm still a selfish top. I only want you when I want you, but for that time we are together, I'm fully present trying to understand.