I've been in my head a lot... to the point where I was out with my teammates after a game and all I could do was think about how socially anxious I've become and how I really don't know my teammates that well. And it's just one of the many instances where I've been analyzing my relationship with other people instead of just living it.
I had a threeway with a couple recently. Apparently, I'm their first even though they have an open relationship and often play separately. And the first thing that happens is one guy points to his partner and says, "You're gonna have to work on him to get him comfortable. He gets really shy and body conscious sometimes." And as soon as he said it, I saw what he meant. It was nuts, cause he's an extremely handsome guy. But yeah, he stood there slightly tentatively with an expression of an aggressively masculine stoic nature. I couldn't tell if he wanted to fuck or to punch me in the face. But as soon as I pulled him into a kiss, I could feel him let go a little and eventually yield to being comfortable in his own skin and allowing himself to both desire and be desired.
He just emailed me recently and he told me he had some body dysmorphia issues and is just recently starting to feel what everyone is telling him: that he's a stunningly good-looking guy. And to encourage it even more, I told him even I don't get hit on as much as he does. He was surprised at that. After some reflection to make sure it just wasn't a hyperbole meant to encourage him to strut a little (he deserves to! And I don't think it will ever get to the point where he fundamentally changes and becomes cocky), I honestly don't know if it's true. It could be that I just don't get hit on by the guys I want to hit on me.
Here's the thing: to simplify our world, we've gotten so wrapped up into archetypes and conventions but I'm not sure I'm entirely conventional. The bigger beefier guy is often thought of to be more masculine and the more masculine is thought of to be the top. For some reasons, guys tend to think of Asians as more submissive which I can sorta understand on the cultural level where a lot of social situations are based on subtext instead of explicit instruction which can be seen as the opposite of dominant. Oh, and in porn, the guy with the bigger dick is always the top and I'm pretty average. Don't believe the guys I've been with. It's not big. They're just under a Jedi mind trick.
Anyway, so we generally use conventions to simplify our world so I tend to attract a lot of tops. And I generally don't let that stop me from playing with them. Sometimes I surprise them and they end up with my load buried in their ass. But here's the thing: I can't tell how much of my attractions are genuine and how much are social constructs. I'm really turned on by unexpected role reversals: the smaller guy topping the bigger guy, small cock with big egos, the younger kid manhandling an older daddy-type. Do I just have a natural affinity to older, beefier guys or is it some sort of constructed fetish? When I first came out, I spend a long time trying to figure out who I am, deconstructing things to get at my authentic self no matter how masculine or how feminine it was. And I kinda feel the same way about my physical attraction to others. How much of it is body dysmorphia leading me to like the opposite of me? How much of it is me trying to frustrate the status quo? And why can't I just get out of my head?
