Musings: Numbers

So this is going to come off as a bit of an unstructured stream-of-consciousness type of an entry.  A bit unusual for me, but a lot less so lately because I feel like I'm constantly fighting the need to catch up on my encounters.  I'm doing my best to honor the guys I've played with a solid, concrete thought that I can hang onto in my mind.  Whether a good experience or bad, I'm trying to treasure the experience by meditating on each on and wrapping it into a memory I won't forget.

And then this happens:

graphic designer (2nd in double header)
when he tried to rim me, i accidentally told him that i wasn't feeling it
he basically jerked off while making out
i rolled on top of him and dry humped him until cumming on his back

That's literally what I wrote in my notes as something to expand on later in this blog.  Problem is, it's been so long that I have no fucking clue what happened or who this dude is.  Then I thought about.  I have over 125 entries now.  It's only been about a year since I've decided to take notes on each encounter so even though the 125 includes a bunch of repeats, there's also a bunch of guys that haven't been written about and a bunch more that were included in these little "catch-up" entries that I do to flush out the backlog of things to write about.  Ha!  God, I'm a whore.

I met this guy once that, at the request of his doc, kept an Excel spreadsheet of the guys he played with and after awhile, he realized that how active he perceives himself and how much his spreadsheet says he actually is was off by a factor of about 10.  Kinda got the same moment when, after about a month of scrolling past that entry and thinking to myself that it will eventually come back to me, I realized that it just might not ever come back to me.  And for some reason, that really scared me.  Scared me so much that I just sat there at the screen searching for that memory.  I gave up.

Then today, as I was searching for what to write about since I had some free time, the memory flooded back to me.  Suddenly.  Quite vividly.  I even remember our Grindr conversation.  What he looked like, the awkwardness.  Even the lighting in his room when we played.  One thing I don't remember is who the first was in this "double-header".

Now, however, as I started writing this entry, I realized that the entry below it...  Yeah.  Coming up with a blank on that one too.  Here's what it reads:

big bear visiting from austin
dogs got wild and couldn't keep it up
and chemistry wasn't quite there
a bit of an odd guy that i'm a little weary of
had a short but really fat cock that i enjoyed making shoot with my hand
didn't take him long and he was embarassed he was such a quick trigger but in my head i was kinda glad

This might come back to me.  Maybe not.  I'm noticing that both of these were of encounters that were less than satisfying so maybe that's why I'm having a hard time remembering them.  And I just counted what I have left to write: 24.  Luckily I remember each one of those...  for now.

Ha!  Yeah.  I'm a whore.  [high-five]