And I’m back...

So I'm going to try to tie in a bunch of thoughts that are probably all separate discrete entities to themselves but I have a tendency to try to wrap things up into a bow to better understand them, even though the knot is loose and the ribbon that binds them all together is completely inadequate and frail. And I'm going to try to get these thoughts out all in one pass, unedited. Just to get my writing hat on 'cause recently I've been inspired to pick this blog up again due to a very kind note from a reader. Beautiful French-Canadian that writes with humility of his poor English. Ironically, he does so in perfectly articulated eloquence. And when I say beautiful, he's a drop-dead gorgeous hunk, the one where you look behind you and then remark in disbelief that he's talking to you. But I digress…

So I've become quite smitten with Colby Jansen. I know nothing of the guy really, but he comes across my twitter feed often in the early mornings when I try to get myself motivated to get off the bed and go to work. So I'm watching it on mute and what strikes me is that he's versatile and doesn't totally follow the normal conventions of porn. He's a beefy, burly kid that fucks and gets fucked by guys of all sizes… and I mean that both in overall mass and the mass underneath the belt. And I love watching a smaller guy totally dominate a guy bigger than himself. I'm sure that's because it mirrors my preferences to open myself up to all sorts of experiences and not limit myself to the guys I play with. There's this tendency to follow some heteronormative conventions in porn where the more masculine guy is the top. Therefore, things that perpetuate masculine ideals are projected as top only: the guy with the bigger dick tops the smaller-docked guy, the guy with the bigger muscles, the bear over the twink, the daddy over the son, hairy over smooth. But that's not real life. Sometimes the daddy craves to ride his son. And some guys love a short fat cock punching their prostate cause let's face it, the prostate isn't ten inches deep and you don't need a foot-long schlong to reach it.

And that's what I fight with on my own twitter content: the need to filter and portray myself in a certain light. You know, sometimes my voice comes off as shrilly and bitchy and that's fuckin' okay. I don't have the biggest dick of the party and I still wanna top and that's fuckin' okay. I might ignore the fact that you're some butch burly top and wanna fuck you 'till you're speaking gibberish and that's cool too. As is me wanting the dick of a small, feminine top with glitter nail polish to fuck the living daylights out of me. 'Cause that's real life. And every now and then I meet some playbuds with some refreshing attitudes that makes sex so liberating and fun, not just a routine of more conventions to follow.

So, as a result, I tweeted an indirectly bitchy tweet about folks that ask for more retweets and likes before they post the whole video. Just do it. Make the porn that you like and send it off to the world. Some may love it. Some may hate it. And maybe some will just appreciate the honesty of the way it exists: real people having real sex in whatever context. But I may be totally attributing my own spin on things. 'Cause I like it real and honest rather than edited and curated. Some might like the fantasy of perfection but for me, I love it when it says "hey, this is me, beautiful in all my glory and imperfections".

At the same time I'm kinda torn. I mean, aren't I advocating a certain perspective? And in doing so, aren't I try to skew perspective. But what I've landed on is that I just need to get out there and do my thing. Eat my own dog food. And hence, I'm going to start writing more text blog entries. For some reason, even though a pic is worth a thousand words, it's just a fuckton of fun just to read about it instead.